How We Lost the Malverns

After our slighlty problematic first walk we decided to go bigger and better and headed off for the weekend with the intention of tackling a route across the Malverns. Walking boots on, waterproofs packed, water bottles filled and packed lunch checked we set off from Dele's house in Ross on Wye. Having learnt our lesson in Horsham (or so we thought) we stopped along the way and purchased a range of maps and carefully selected a challenging but straightforward route across the hills. Knowing that we were going to be walking for several hours we stopped at the public toilet for an essential last stop. Chatting away and laughing at my Dad's joke about rescue helicopters we followed the path into some trees. Stopping to admire some flowers we forgot to actually check the map and had in fact headed off in completely the opposite direction to the hill footpaths.

Dele and the pretty flowers

Unaware of our error we strode on happily confident that we wouldn't go wrong this time. We were slightly puzzled when we came to a fence with no gates or gaps but shrugging we clambered over and continued. We did start to wonder about the lack of hills but as we could see one in the distance we weren't too worried. Why it didn't occur to us to check the map at this point we'll never know.

We became increasingly aware of the lack of hills and also of the fact that we seemed to be the only ones who had used this route in weeks. I think we both knew we had made another mistake although neither of us wanted to admit it.

A tad overgrown!

It was at this point we found the cows. Now we both grew up in a small village and had in our schooldays even milked a cow. This however was something different. At the sight of us what seemed like hundreds of cows started running across the field cutting us off from the exit. We were convinced that they would move once we got nearer but they didn't, they just started heading closer in what we somewhat hysterically decided was an attack pattern. Whilst I gibbered incoherently Dele decide to phone her other half to inform hin we were being chased by mad cows. Quite what we expected him to do I don't know. We eventually escaped the mad cows by essentially shutting our eyes and running for the gap.

They look small and harmless here but trust me they were big and loud and very very scary!

An hour later we found ourselves near a very tempting looking pub. We discussed our options in depth and eventually (and somewhat reluctantly) decided to continue walking as if we gave up so easily in England how would we manage halfway up a mountain in Tanzania? Little did we know it but the car was in fact a mere 15 minutes up the road. I won't repeat what we said when we discovered this fact later but it would require a lot of bleeping if broadcast before the watershed.

Several more hours later the rain had set in and we were to be found at a road junction, swearing at our multitude of maps and wondering where on earth we were. Convinced we had found a route we decided to cut round the edge of a farmer's field. What with a recent ploughing and the almost constant rain we were quickly back in the muddy hell of our first walk. My boots acquired an inch thick layer of mud which weighed a ton and my sense of humour faded rapidly as once again we ended up back where we started. Finding yet another footpath we ended up in a field of corn taller than we were. This time it was Dele who lost her sense of humour!

Seriously muddy and cross!

Trudging along in despair we sought directions from a woman on a horse who I think thought we had escaped from a lunatic asylum. We were wet, scratched, hot, tired and extremely muddy so I can't say I blame her!

Not a happy face!

Following the directions we found ourselves at a church that didn't appear on any of our maps and which had at least five different footpaths leading from it. It was late afternoon and starting to get dark so we finally admitted defeat and summoned a taxi to take us back to civilisation.
Our final conclusion: thank god we'll have guides on Kilimanjaro!

Things we learnt

- we cannot read maps
- we have little sense of direction
- cows can be scary
- we can laugh at ourselves and each other
- even in stressful situations we didn't argue
- it is possible to lose very big hills
- mud is very heavy


More recently we have successfully both found and walked the Malverns without a hint of a problem (unless you consider being overtaken by little old ladies and their dogs a problem!).